My Life

My life consists of school, dance, books, church, hanging out with friends, listening to friends, and observing people.
Monday through Friday I go to school. I listen, pay attention, do my homework, take tests, aim for good grades, deliberately not slack off, and refrain from smacking people who take away from my educational experience. Throughout this experience, I watch people. Their expressions, glances, movements, actions, etc.
Mondays and Thursdays I go to dance, and just by dancing for 45 minutes to an hour and a half, my stress level balances out.
Wednesdays I go to Faith Formation and try to listen, sometimes failing, sometimes not.
Sundays I go to church.
In my spare time, in the order and rank of things I do, I do homework, work on projects, read, listen to music, text my friends, go on Facebook and other Internet sites, sleep, hang out with friends, and sleep.
Occasionally I get the urge to dress up. I usually ignore it. Because dressing up, for me, entails wearing etiher a dress suitable for Homecoming (which I have more than four, and have only been to two formal dances at this point) or dressy, cute, sophisticated clothes, putting on makeup (I usually go natural), and wearing heels (which I love but since I consider myself tall I always degrade myself while wearing them and convince myself not to wear them). After considering if I really should, I decide not to and move on with my life. But sometimes I can't help think that if I had dressed, what would have changed. What could have happened.
A couple times in the week, I do have what I have dubbed "attacks". They encompass a gut-wrenching feeling of immense fear of death and what's after death, that I do not matter, that nothing matters, that once I die I won't exist anymore, I won't be able to do simple things, like take a shower, listen to music, twist a doorknob.
That's my routine. My life.